The Fault In Our Stars

I don’t think I’ve ever cried that much while watching a movie. Yes, I did read the book and I cried during the book too. That was two years ago though so I’m probably going to reread it soon. The thing is, the parts that got me weren’t the ones that make everyone else cry. Obviously I did cry during those parts as well, but the parts that made me sob were shots of her in the hospital, or getting sick at home, or being in the ICU. Since I’m new here and you all don’t already know me, I’ll quickly explain-

When I was 15 I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. One month after my 15th birthday, I had surgery at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia to relieve the pressure that was giving me headaches, to get a piece of the tumor for a biopsy (it was benign) and to partially remove the tumor. It’s been 6 years and I’m thankfully still healthy. I get MRIs every now and then to monitor the tumor, but the doctors think they got the growing part out because it hasn’t shown growth since the surgery. I’m so incredibly lucky and thankful and blessed and it really has become a part of me. My way of coping was to stay positive throughout the entire process and it really helped. I’ve completely accepted it, so if anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask me. I’m totally comfortable talking about it. I do think about it every day, but it’s usually just a thought or two and then something else is on my mind. But watching TFIOS made me relive some specific parts, like the moments before my surgery, waking up in the ICU, getting sick after I went home from the hospital, etc. Every now and then I need a more heart-wrenching reminder of what I’ve been through to make me appreciate the little things in life.

Just some thoughts

Thursday is my day off and I can’t wait to catch up on some errands, cleaning my room, practicing, etc. Let’s face it, I’ll probably save cleaning my room for last which means I won’t actually do it, but whatever. It’s about halfway through the semester somehow and classes are going pretty well. My favorite class is probably Portuguese, although I’m starting to realize that it’s affecting my Spanish in a negative way. I finished my Spanish classes last semester so I’m really not getting any Spanish input or practice at all besides listening to the radio. There are times where I’ll try speaking Spanish (in my head or out loud to my self, just to practice) and I notice myself mixing some Portuguese in there. Portuguese is really easy for me to learn since it’s so similar to Spanish and I’ve already gone through the process of learning a second language. ¬†However, I think the combination of no input in Spanish and practicing Portuguese every day is starting to mess with my head. I’ll have to find a Spanish-speaking friend and practice with them.

The situation with me and Christian is very…interesting. We dated for 14 months and broke up about 2 months ago. He initiated the breakup but in the end it was pretty mutual. We’re both seniors in college and came to realize that we want very different things in life. I want to travel and live abroad but he’s the kind of person who likes to stay inside the box and take the safe route. He worries about the future a lot because he doesn’t really know what he wants to do once he graduates, and I think that’s a valid reason to break up. I’m also so busy this semester with the two bands that I teach that I barely have time for myself, so a relationship definitely would not have worked. I’m honestly not really too torn up about it anymore, although I still have some moments where I just break down and cry. We’re still in love with each other and want to keep being friends. We were best friends for 14 months and he means too much to me to never talk to him again. The fact that we broke up on good terms makes it less weird to be friends, too. It’s not like either of us did something bad or lost feelings for the other, it was just shitty circumstances. It’s just complicated because we’re in this weird transition stage. We’re not dating, but we’re also not seeing other people. However, I wouldn’t really say we’re “exclusive,” either. It’s more that it’s too soon after the breakup and we both have other things to worry about and we don’t want to get involved with other people. I think it’s starting to get unhealthy though. We’re still hooking up, but we have a hard time separating physical feelings from emotional ones. I don’t want to get involved with anyone anytime soon, but I think we might have to start at least trying to talk to other people. It’s going to suck and will definitely feel like another breakup, but I think it’s what needs to happen if we want to have a healthy friendship.

Here goes nothing.

My name’s Amanda, and I’m a senior music education/Spanish student at Rutgers University, NJ, USA. I have a strong desire to travel, hence why I just followed a bunch of people who are studying abroad or traveling. I did a short 5-week study abroad program in Peru two summers ago and I absolutely fell in love with the country and traveling in general. A short trip to London, England happened a few months later, but I sadly haven’t been out of the country since then.

My double major gives me a few career options¬†after I graduate in May, but I honestly have no idea what I want to do. I want to teach something, and I’d like for it to involve Spanish. A few days ago I submitted my application for a Fulbright English Teaching Assistantship grant. I applied for Colombia, which has pretty good odds (1/5 or 1/6 usually), so there’s actually a chance that I’ll get the grant. That’s what I’m striving for right now- teaching English in a Spanish-speaking country and doing some volunteer work/observations on the side.

I figured I would start blogging about my thoughts and whatever else happens this year. Feel free to say hi!